A year of learning...

We just want to be loved...in life - everyday we want acceptance. Sometimes we do things that we didn't think we would ever do just to get those feelings that come over you when you get that love and acceptance.  Like we need some type of validation. We are human after all... But somehow we have to break that mold and learn that loving ourselves sometimes is enough....at the end of the day that is who will be with you --- you and God. We have to dig really deep sometimes just to try and figure out how to be content with who we are and where we are in life. I don't know when it finally happens or how it finally happens but eventually you get there....you get to the point of pure contentment that God loves you and that you ARE enough and that you are happy with what you have been blessed with because in reality, you may be far more blessed than others around you. I haven't always had a positive outlook on things and situations....but I've learned over the last year or so and tried to keep in mind that what I yearn for -- that I see what my friends have that someone out there is wanting something that I have and I needed to learn to be content and thankful in the moment because what I may be taking for granted, someone else is praying for daily. Gods grace and blessings come in due time - He knows the deepest parts of you and your heart and when He sees fit in what you so deserve, He alone can decide when, who, and what that is and it is ALWAYS better than what you prayed for...that I can promise you.  I have been able to beautifully witness the Lord show up in others lives and my own and truly blessing beyond what my tiny heart prayed for.

Trusting God is one of the hardest things to do because we so want to be of the flesh and take control and that is just not how God works...you cannot learn from the One who is the teacher when you are trying to play the teacher yourself.  My devotions lately have consisted of nothing but trusting God in the NOW and letting go of your anxiety and fears and thanking God for all the trials that you are going thru because He ultimately knows what is on the other side of all that fear, anxiety, wonder, worry, heartache, and pain. It is SO hard to just accept that and learn to rest in the peace of His word but somehow....not always instantly....but God always shows up and I always look back and wonder why did I ever worry in the first place...

Learn to let go....learn to stop and take a breath. When you are truly able to give God all that you are worrying about, peace will come over you.... I pray that for you.  I see so much pain these days in so many people and so many bad things happening and making you question why... I don't know answers and I don't understand everything that God does but I do know that somehow He always has a plan and He never disappoints.  I cannot think of a time in my life looking back that I have held a grudge or stayed angry with God over something not going my way because every time I look back I see how strongly God protected me from so many things... In the moment anger ensues and in the moment I was devastated - but relying on God is the only way I even made it thru to the other side and now.....almost daily..I am grateful. I forever am thankful for the paths my life has gone down... It has brought me here to this day... To this moment...to where I strive daily in my anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety.....to refocus and be thankful for those moments because they are continually shaping me for what greater good there lies ahead. Thanking God that the future me will appreciate the current moments I am living in. I'm thankful for my last year of going to therapy and learning things about myself I didn't know existed...digging deep and facing the good, bad, and the ugly...accepting it and loving myself anyways. learning to let go. Learning to love who I am and learning that I am stronger than my past...I am stronger than my fears...be vulnerable. Let go of control. Learning to be happy. Finally feeling content in who I am and where I am in life. Living and appreciating the moments. Learning that even tho I'm writing all this and being positive that I won't have a huge trial come up to test me.... Cannot live in a world that you constantly fear the jinx whenever you are feeling content. God doesn't operate that way so neither should we. :) 

Trust me when I say YOU ARE good enough.  You ARE loved.  You ARE wanted. God WILL give you the desires of your heart. He is writing your story with your best interest in mind. He does have amazing plans for your life and He is ALWAYS there. Trust. Love. Live. Breathe. Be content. Be happy. Be you. ❤️

To be content or not to be: that is the question.

Forgive the semi cynical nature of this blog.  No pity blog. Just all these thoughts in my mind and heart lately that I cannot seem to quiet them down.

I have long been praying and patiently waiting for God to bring my life partner to me.  At times I had thought I had found that person but for some reason or another it was just not meant to be.  As sad as it all is, God has a better plan that will surpass my wildest of dreams.  However, I find myself at times becoming incredibly cynical and just negative in the area of love.  I’m happy for all my friends and family who find their love and best friends... its the best thing and a true blessing.

Little ole Bekah at the age of 12 would have thought that by now I would have 3 kids and be a stay at home wife; well, reality is that isn’t how most stories turn out! I’m so glad mine didn’t.  I have been able to travel, create my own business, and be incredibly independent without the need of any man or their help.  I’m self sufficient and immensely proud of what I have accomplished and experienced in my 28years of life.

My life is not built around being in a relationship...everyone always asks me about my “dating life”.  Its just a question I am learning to brush off and change the subject.  I do not need to be defined by another person or by the status of a relationship.  I am so thankful that women these days are discovering their inner power and strength.  It is not necessary by todays standards to be married by 20 and start popping out kids; or at least it should not be.

My prayer as of late has been one of asking the Lord for contentment.  I am at a point in my life where I’m glad I have come this far and now I finally feel like even though I am not in need of my other half, I just long for him.  I pray daily for him and for our future.  My devotion the other day was absolutely loud and clear from the Lord.. it read: LEAVE THE OUTCOME TO ME.  Follow me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out.  Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your guide and companion.   Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me.  When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with my help.. When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in my presence.. Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to me.

You already know the ultimate destination of your journey; your entrance into heaven.  So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.

How true is that!  My ultimate goal and destination is HEAVEN with someone who could and does love me more than any person on this earth ever could come close to.  How encouraging is that?  It brought me back to a place of being humble.  

I still daily struggle with yearning and sadness as I wait for God’s plan but I have to remember and be content that God has me where I am for a reason.

My pleading is to just be CONTENT.  It is so incredibly hard.  Its so easy to give into wondering what happened, why me, why did that transpire?  Questions, jealousy, and resentment set in.

It is imperative that we keep our eyes on God when we start to veer away from our Father who grants every desire of our heart if we just follow and trust Him.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:!1

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

Oh, humbling experience.

So, its totally been like two years since I have even blogged.. Not quite sure what made me remember that I had a blog but something did and so I looked it up to see if I could find it and I did.  Clearly I began to go back and read all the blogs I have previously written....well, I didn't realize I had written so many!! haha :)

However, I will say that going back and reading....old Bekah definitely had some wise words for the current Bekah.  Sometimes, our own perspective is what helps us eventually in the long run.  Reminding ourselves of little treasures we used to know and trust in and it makes us realize that yeah....even then I was going to be ok. Even in that darker moment in life I persevered and look where I am today.  I survived it.  Everyone definitely has a story all their own....when I was a little girl, I never realized how much in this little life I have lived so far all I would go thru.  Some of it I brought on to myself and others it was just life happening.  Every single thing in my life that I have survived or experienced be it humbling or terrifying, God has used it all in one way or another.  One experience took 10yrs for me to see the reason but I finally saw it when God needed me to...actually, I have yet to find a reason for things to happen that I won't ever understand because God always has a way of showing me that "ahhh that is why.." what is a little suffering and waiting we do in this life compared to the suffering and waiting He endured for us?  Nothing compared.

Sometimes it is good for us to journal or blog or whatever it may be when we are going through things so we can look back and reflect one day at all the good that has come from that place.  So many defining moments in our life - we can choose to look back as all negative or start to choose to see that all that bad stuff is always turned into something good.  I wont lie, some things in my past are incredibly hard to forgive and see the good in it...but, there is.  Just remembering that no matter how bad or good it is God loves you and He knows.  God holds no judgement against you and he holds no grudges.  Just seeing my past blogs and remembering how I didn't think that I would make it past that makes me choke up seeing that I DID and that God never left me during that whole time even if I left him for a bit.  He didn't give up and neither should we. :)

Football and God

So, as many people know me and my family are HUGE Florida State fans.  I absolutely love that team and love football and watching them play.  Going to the games is such a huge rush and so much energy how could you NOT love it?!?!?!?
Well, as I was watching the INTENSE football game between Clemson and FSU on Saturday, when it was all said and done we won the game!  I was so excited. :)  I sat there and thought (as I saw them show an ariel view of the stadium and the FSU logo) how awesome that team is... how much pride I had for being a fan, and how much I loved that team!  I began to think.... “ya know, how come I don’t always swell with pride about being a christian and about Christ?”  I began to assess the situation.  Why was I not always feeling the same way (if not more) about Christ and the church as I feel about Florida Sate?

I’m ashamed to even admit this at all.  What kind of child of the Lord am I?  What does that say about my relationship with Him?

Thoroughly just diving into my thoughts, I was up a lot that night...couldn’t sleep.  I began to ponder the reasons why I felt this way.

I realized that I don’t swell with pride a lot about being a Christian because I feel like so many things out there and people give Christianity a bad rep.  I know so many people who have told me “you see that person right there, thats why I am not a christian.  They are no different than me, if not more worse than I am.  So why should I even bother going to church if they are no different?”  Sadly, I’m sure some people could say the same about me.  That cut me to my core.  My life has drastically not been the same lately, and my relationship with God and my heart just have been like all over the place.  I find myself watching tv rather than picking up my Bible.  I would rather sleep in than go to church.  My language sadly has gotten further from being lady like and I just sit there and wonder “what happened to me?!”..

WIth all this being said....I feel like the Church has changed so much.  I feel like more people have gotten fake, and just use church on Sunday mornings to make themselves feel better.  I don’t like “Bible bangers” and I’m ashamed when I hear people handing out tracks saying “You are going to hell!!!!”...who are YOU to determine that?!?!  I don’t like it when people act weird and use Jesus as a crutch...or just “as they need Him”.  I roll my eyes when people act like wearing jeans to Church is blasphemy..or not always listening to “christian” music.. I mean, what is that anyway?  I used to listen to it, and it was SOOO much better when I was younger.  I feel like too many times christian artists these days try to sound more rock, more secular just to reach out to the public...and I feel like it just turns out really cheesy.  I don’t get the message because I feel they are trying too hard.  I would much rather listen to the Hillsongs, Steven Curtis Chapman, and the old school stuff.  So much better.  I don’t like it when people “name it, claim it”... You can pray and trust God, but you CAN NOT tell anyone that “it is done! I prayed about it and God did it”.  You can’t tell God when things will be, when you will be healed.  You can claim your faith in Jesus and pray for His will.  Otherwise, you look ridiculous.  I remember as a kid, someone in church stood up and said “I claim that this man is healed in Jesus name.  Now we can all celebrate because he is healed!” sadly, that man passed away like the next day... to a non-christian, what does that say to them? “Wow, your God really listened” or “man you look stupid”. You cannot tell God what to do, and it seems like you are when you make statements like that.  Claim your FAITH in God and put your prayers out there to Him and claim you TRUST in Him to do what His will is, whatever that may be.

You may think I sound pretty awful, or I am being harsh.  Or “what kind of preachers kind are you?!”  But, I think people have gotten to loose with their Christianity and their “spiritualism” and what not.  All these reasons I have stated above make me NOT swell with pride about Christians and the church.

Its sort of embarrassing to tell you the truth.

I am guilty of it, too.  I am not excluding myself from this category in ANY way.  I should conduct myself better.... I should watch my thoughts and my mouth a whole lot more.  I know God has to be embarrassed and ashamed every time I do not seek Him and make christians look bad by my actions.  I am embarrassed of myself at times, no lie.

I am so guilty of a whole lot that I do not deserve forgiveness or any second chances with God, but I am so thankful that he gives them out.

I need to be working on my life, and change what I need to so that I CAN be proud and swell with pride over my Jesus.  Over the guy who should be the lead Coach in my life.  I’m on His team.  I need his leadership... He is calling my fouls and trying to lead me to Victory.  Yes, I fumble the ball a lot with my life when I make bad choices... yes, I let Satan win sometimes and score touch downs when I sin and give in to society.  Yes, I am not always a team player in praying for people and encouraging them as I should.  I need to take a time out and re evaluate life and what really matters in order to win the game.  The game of Life.  I am so glad that ultimately GOD wins, we win... but, just because we know thats what will happen in the end, doesn’t mean we get to sit by and live life and play badly because Jesus has won.  Don’t just exist.. be active in Him.

We need to not be show offy, and cocky.... don’t try to be the best or be better than everyone else.  Just be yourself.  Live by God, love by God, play by God.

Thank you Jesus for forgiveness!  I am so thankful that HE IS MY COACH!  So, thankful that He isn’t only my finish line, but my beginning and my middle.  He is cheering me on every second of every day... He is ready and waiting with open arms to love us, guide us, and be with us for all eternity.  And to all that I say: Score! :)

don't lose your YOU.

My thoughts lately have been all over the place.  I just have been thinking a lot about life... our quality of life.  Things we will accomplish.. or not accomplish.  How far will we push ourselves?  How far will we let ourselves go into not fulfilling our dreams.  What do we let get in the way?  What do we let remain?

Sometimes our biggest obstacle is ourselves.  We stop ourselves from accomplishing our dreams.... our goals.  Mostly because of fear and being comfortable.

I know for myself... there is so much I want to do.  I lack motivation because I am scared of failing.  I lack motivation because I don’t want to give myself so much that I can’t get it back and then get taken advantage of.  Too many times that has happened...and I feel like I want to keep as much of me to myself and it comes across as selfish, rude, or just plain lazy.  When in reality, I have no intention of being that way.  I feel like I get complacent and just “ok” in life because of it.

I just keep wondering... what is it that we are all looking for...searching for...waiting for..aiming for?  So many things come to my mind of what it could be.  The perfect body, the perfect happy attitude... being loved and accepted by everyone.  Obviously, we cannot please everyone... and if we try, we end up disappointing ourselves.  So, why are we going to strive for that?  This concept is probably what made me so worn out.... what made me come across as being selfish now because I gave away too much of me to please other people.  And in the end.... I still ended up alone, unhappy, and taken advantage of and for what?

We shouldn’t let things, or other people dictate how we live...how we act.

Its so hard to let our emotions get in the way of like........everything.  I see how many debates are started on Facebook... how many rumors are started by people.

I may seem like I am babbling on... rambling about random stuff... but, I just can’t help but wonder what life was like before all of this crap that we have that cause distractions and just too many ways to have the option to start so many arguments, hurting feelings, and what not.

What did we do before tv?  Cell phones?  Facebook?  What would life be like without all of these things?

I can’t seem to stop feeling like our life has been overrun and filled with things that don’t matter.... and we do that to fill a void in ourselves.. going back to what I was talking about in the beginning.  We are searching... and too many times we ignore what it is that we are searching for and fill it with things that are not even valid... that hold no real stock in our lives.  It “suffices” for now.  Filling your longing with things in the now... because the things we truly want we have to patiently wait on.... and sometimes... in the meantime... we lose ourselves...and forget our dreams.

Point is.... don’t avoid your souls longing.  Don’t avoid chasing your dreams.  Don’t let yourself hold YOU back from what you ultimately want.  But most of all, don’t lose yourself.  Don’t lose your YOU.  Don’t lose what is most dear in this world and most important in this thing we call life.  Keep your integrity, keep your head high, keep your heart open (but not abused)... keep your smile, and keep your moves going forward.

No race was ever won standing still.  No test was ever achieved not picking up the pencil.  No dream you ever had came true because you stopped dreaming.  Keep dreaming... keep running... keep keepin' on.

Iona, Scotland

 Ok, so we have been on Isle of Iona for a couple of days...it's been beautiful and amazing.... It's quite small but yet not at the same time when you have to walk everywhere :) Our bed and breakfast was the absolute best place we could have ended stay...the owner, Richard, was the best hostess...incredibly accommodating and very nice and an amazing cook.  We have definitely loved staying here.  Especially, because it's right on the water also. Our first day here we hiked up a mountain on the east side of the island...it didn't take too long but it was totally worth it...it was gorgeous.  It definitely took my breath away and I couldn't believe the beauty that God made...although, I don't put anything past Him, but He always surprises me.   We ate a at nice restaurant called the Columba.  It was amazing....it doesnt get dark here until like 1am... It was weird. Yesterday, we slept in a little...I did a devotional and then we both just explored the beach.  Mostly sun bathing and just admiring the views. Just incredibly low key.  We ate at the restaurant again and it was just as amazing. The services here are really awesome...they treat you like s celeb!!!!! As we were walking back to our b&b we hear bag pipes. We walked up on what they call a ceili... We followed the bag pipers from across the bay up to an abbey and they had a concert.  It was amazing!!!!!  The way they play is just incredible.  Other people got up and performed and sang...some older man sang about cholesterol and it was hysterical because he can't have it but he wants it hahaha..then they did some readings and then we took a break for some tea and snacks. Afterwards, they do dancing... There was this little girl in front of me during tea time who was on a bench throwing her arms back and forth like she had  sword and was yelling, "I will make you walk the plank you pirate!" omg it was hilarious.. She was so loud but I thought I would die laughing.... Well, we didn't stay for the dancing.... It was incredibly unorganized and it was funny but everyone was just genuinely having a good time...it was awesome. At midnight you are supposed to follow out the bagpipers as they get on the ferry and cross back over and they continue to play until they reach land. The main bag piper was a very talented man.  Only a people are asked to play at the tattoo military esplanade in Edinburgh and he has done so twice!!!! Anyways, some lady was talking about the sun rise and that it comes up at 4am... So, I get this awesome idea to get up to take pictures... Well, 4am until 5:30am, nothing hardly...I was absolutely freezing!!!!!!  It was just me and the rabbits and birds on the beach....But I was able to get some decent pictures but I was frozen...  Had to rub my feet and then take two hot showers at two different times on blazing hot to just thaw out my feet...man, was it painful!  But I was finally able to fall asleep. So, on 3hrs of sleep I wake up and we eat breakfast...it was awesome! The guy who cooks (Richard who owns it) is amazing... It's all solo good. Anyways, we go to the abbey and we sit thru s service there and walk the grounds. It's really, really old... It was so amazing to touch the walls of an abbey that kings walked in.  They are also in the graveyards... But you couldn't read most of them because the tomb stones are so old. Anyways, afterwards....we headed out to go hiking to see where st. Columba discovered the island. On our way out, I was dumbly texting and walking down the steps...yeah obviously not so smart...I missed the last two or three and face planted and my backpack went flying over my head onto the floor, my phone slung across the foyer, and I landed on my knee and shoulder...I just laid there...meg was like 'what the heck just happened' and obviously laughing once she knew I was ok... It was quite comical.  I am too old for this...my hips hurt, my back...hahah just too much. Well, when we were walking up the hill we passed two people and asked if we were going in the right direction... They said yes and that it was 'quite boggy'....well, that was an understatement!!!!!!!  First we were scared that the goats were gonna pummel us...they just stared and ran and then stared some more. Haha. At first it was fun....Well, after an hour of trekking in the awful poop and mud and wetness we were quite over it.... I was getting so mad I just wanted to turn around.  30mins later we finally came upon an open enough part between the mountains that seemed to be a path...but no, it didn't lead to the st. Columba shore but to the marble quarry they have here...ugh we were over trying to find his beach. But, we ended up rock climbing and hiking instead...it was awesome fun.  It was sort of dangerous given the crevices and the ocean with rocks was on the other side if we fell off...but we found a cove and stuff it was cool. By the time we finally made it back up to the top to cross over omg our muscles were killing us.... But hey it's a good work out. Anyways, we finally made it to the shore and it was totally nothing but rocks.... And there was really nothing much to it.  Idk what they hype was about. So, we started back home from there and we were already 2.5hrs in.... What a treat we were in for...all up hill...mostly boggy poo and mud. Freezing wind and lots of hills.  There is this bush that is so rough and prickly but it looks like broccoli...we joked that it was broccolis dried up ancestors.  Boy did they hurt! And then.. An hour later, we were so over it that to my shock, meg tested out an old cow patty to see if it was strong enough to hold us over some mud...I couldn't believe it..it actually did. As gross as it sounds, we used it to step on. Hahaha. Finally, we find the fences and know that the end is near...and we run up on our goat friends... It was lovely to see them again. Finally, after hours of grossness and fun adventure we made it back...frozen and a mess. Now to get some sleep for we leave for Dublin tomorrow to end our last couple of days there before we fly home!!!!!!  I can't believe it's almost here...I am sad yet excited at the same time.  Ready to see my family and my max but I will miss Europe and all that it has to offer...well, mostly just Ireland and Scotland. So, I will blog once more before we leave... But until then..cheers :)

The streams of our heart...

So.... I am walking the ocean this morning for my quiet time...and I couldn't quite find a spot just right for me...and then I noticed a stream flowing pretty strongly from up to the small dunes I guess you could say and well...if no water is flowing up from the ocean, how can such a strong, steady stream be flowing down back into it??  I investigate.  Well, as I am sure there is a scientific reason for a phantom stream coming from no where....I got a spiritual one out of it. It's like...Gods love keeps flowing.  His mercy keeps flowing.  His forgiveness...his patience.  He replenishes our strength and will to press on..always flowing.  We might not know where it comes from...how if you aren't getting waves of encouragement or love from someone...or from work or from anything..if it isnt coming into us, how then can we have a continuous flow of all that is good come from our hearts? It is almost unfair it seems to constantly give, give, and give...especially, when you get nothing back.  And when you think you've run dry...God replenishes you...when it seems like you're out, you have no more to give, God is still flowing. You aren't sure how, where, or why you are experiencing His continuous showering of love and strength...but you are thankful for it. I am thankful it never stops...I am thankful my well never runs dry.  I stumble... I make mistakes...I am so very far from perfect and yet God see's it fit to keep me flowing from a small stream into the bigger picture...the ocean. The beauty of God unveiled...in the smallest of places...Oh, how His love is not withheld...Oh, how ever flowing His grace is. Where does my help come from?  It comes from the Lord. A broken spirit and a contrite heart You will not despise, You will not despise You desire truth in the inward parts A broken spirit and a contrite heart... Lord, my heart is prone to wander Prone to leave the God I love Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it Seal it for Your courts above...