Proceed with caution...

(I just read through it and I apologize in advance for the length!  I didn't realize so much had happened in two days..)

So, proceed with caution if you dare ;) its long!

Ok... so, I thought I was going to be able to start from our day yesterday in a blog.. but I realized I haven’t even had a chance to type up about London.

So, with that being said... here goes.

We got up at 5:30 thursday to head to the ferry in Dublin to get to Holyhead to catch a train to London.  Well, it being such a dreary day and so early, no one was open at the ticket desks to find out which bus station number we needed to be at.  After 30mins of asking 5 different people and going all over with 5 different answers, this kind older gentleman who reminded me of a taller, skinnier version of the old man in the movie “Up” came over and asked if we needed help. Of COURSE we did!  We said thank you, but we have had 5 different people help us and not one person had the same answer.  He told us to wait there, and the sweet man ran (literally...as an older man in his 70s could) all over and found out exactly where we needed to be.  He was so sweet.. He just laughed and said “sounds like you’re having an irish morning” :)

So, we got to the ferry just in time... I believe we were like the last two people to get on... I was absolutely terrified that we were going to miss it.  It was my first ferry ride and I was so excited and nervous.  We FINALLY had a real breakfast...even though it was expensive, I was very happy to get my coffee and toast!

After 3hrs on the ferry we took a bus to the train station and met a sweet family... the Mom, Lisa I think.. her son was Eric and her daughter was Rachel.  They ended up saying they were headed to London as well... and that the Non stop train was leaving in 8minutes... we MIGHT make it!  We thought the non stop train was at 12:30....nope.

Anyways, so we all get off the bus and are literally running to the station... a few other guys figured out we were all going in the same direction and they ran, too.  For some reason unbeknownst to me, my suitcase keeps getting heavier even though I haven’t bought anything!  I was running as fast as my little feet with a backpack, suitcase, and over the shoulder purse would let me.  Everyone else ran ahead and I told Meg to catch it for me. As I’m running and literally am less than 200yards from the door I see the time and its leaving in 11seconds... some lady said, “Oh, train to london?” I said yes.. she pointed “Oh, well.. there it goes” and I saw it pulling out.  We JUST missed it.

So we waited for another 20mins for the next train and had to make another stop.  At least we had our little family of 3 we met to talk to.  They were so kind and found out her friend also got in A LOT of trouble for picking a flower in Ireland.  Thank goodness I am not the only one. :)

After we made it to London, we found our hostel and it was NOT what the website had said.  It was supposed to be this really cool old prison and well.. it wasn’t cool.  Our keys never worked, it was a maze to get anywhere..the travel girl was NO help.  She was “sick” and wanted to leave and not help.  Well, she gave us bad directions for a night tour.  We took the metro (loved it!) and made it to Green Park which she said we needed to walk about 2 miles to get to Piccadilly Station Circus to get the bus.  Well, when we got there nobody was helpful... and then some older gent said the night tours were at Green Park :(  Well, someone FINALLY let us get on a tour bus. And they buzzed right through it... no pictures hardly, and then it started raining.  Well, we were over it by then and just wanted to leave.  We got to our hostel and our roomates were pretty cool.  Claire from Australia, and Shannon from South Africa but she lived in Australia and was studying abroad a year in Germany.  Anyways, that night we both had some crazy migraines... I didn’t get any sleep because I literally couldn’t put my head to anything without searing pain.  Finally I fell asleep for an hour.

When we got up, we ate breakfast and headed to the station to go to Paris.  Well, turns out..even though you have the eurorail, the rules have changed and you have to have a special reservation to go from Country to Country and the Paris train was going to be over 300 euros :( Well, Megan immediately began to cry and I just told her to calm down and asked the ladies where did we need to go. We were both emotional after the night we had. Well, we made it to our only option... an 8hr bus ride and just got on it literally 4minutes before it left.

We had to do another ferry ride during our bus ride (it was docked under the ship) and we got to walk around... it was THE MOST rocky ride... I felt so nauseas and after a while Meg did too.... we just staked a post up stairs by the open deck door and waited for the hour and a half to pass. We did venture outside and boy was it windy!!!!!!  

When we finally made it to Paris it was around 10:30... we had to take a loooong metro to get to our hostel.  But some really nice young gentleman came over and while Meg was getting her ticket, he gave me his.  I was so thankful!  I also have hardly had to carry my luggage up or down steps.... I figured out the damsel in distress works every time... some guy always comes to help hahaha.... or Meg is a big help and helps me too but its just not the same ;)
Anyways, we get to our hostel in Paris and it was beautiful...the view and a nice bed...again, we could not sleep..this time change bites...hahahaha.

So we stayed up laughing about our sheets that felt like a burlap hay bag and the taxis outside the window getting into a horn honking fight... and some random guy knocking on our door at 2am... I couldn’t stop singing the song from beauty and the best “be ourrr guest, be our guest.. put our services to the test!” Obviously, in a french voice of course... for some odd reason I have been belting out random songs here and there... hahaha... I guess its a way to pass the time when crazy stuff happens.  But the tunes coming from this mouth don’t sound pretty...they aren’t on key, the words might not be right, but hey.. its incredibly humerous.

So... here we are.. we wake up in Paris.. and no lie, some random siren from a car idk what went off at 6:58.. perfect timing since we were getting up at 7.

We got up, and walked around and were searching for the Eiffel Tower.. well, we finally found it and decided to eat breakfast first since we hadn’t eaten in like... forever... 15hrs for meg and almost 24 for me!  So, we stopped off to this lovely cafe... OMG it was to die for... the orange juice was incredibly fresh squeezed and the bread... lovely.

We finally made it to the tower.. it wasn’t what I expected but it was still very beautiful.. there were thousands of people everywhere!  We didn’t get to walk up in because everyone had been waiting in line for hours, and well.. we had a train to catch to Switzerland.
Well, we raced back to the hotel to get our stuff... only to get lost.  But, it was actually totally worth it because we came upon some scene like in a movie.. there were at least 25 really, really gorgeous french fireman lifting heavy stuff and sweating and just.... well, we had to pick our mouths up off the ground... I told Meg, “Ok, well... I think the only option here is to just get hit by a car since they are right here...” hahahaha... Wow... and some guy helped us and to our dismay (NOT!) our directinos to the hotel led us to walk right between them all... “excusez moi.... excusez moi”.. and of course, they were kind enough to let us pass. ;)
Anyways... back to reality.  We raced to our hotel and grabbed our luggage only to start running again to make our train leaving at 2:23.  It was 1:30 and we still had two metros to go.  And those tunnels and south/east/west/north crap is confusing.  Well, as we are running from our hotel, I’m like wondering what the heck... my suitcase is crazy heavy.. and not rolling.. well I look down and my right wheel was completely broken in two all the way down the middle :( I wanted to cry.. but we had no time to stop.. So, meg grabbed one side, I had the other and we pulled it as we could through cobble stone and holes.

We finally made it to the metro and again.. got wrong directions.. I have learned no one in Europe truly knows where they are going.  SO, we had an amazing young lady step in and realized we were lost... She helped us all the way to the train station.  As soon as we found out where we needed to be, we started our running again (Our poor toes HATE us) and the train was leaving in 8mins... well, we get there and the train guy was like “ha no.. you have no reservation we have nothing for you” and walked off.  Here we are, back to the no reservation thing.  So, Meg loses it.. she is incredibly upset and crying and just angry.  I’m trying to keep it together and ask where we need to go and what to do.  We get to information and meet these two other girls who also have the same problem. Well, after waiting in the ticket line for an hour, they said we were all in the wrong line.. and sent us somewhere else.. after waiting in that line more than an hour they too said we were in the wrong line and sent us somewhere else.  Finally, we get to the right place and at the back of the line everyone was laying down.. we asked why... they had been waiting and the line hadn’t budged for an hour and a half.  By now, we missed both trains to Switzerland, were gonna miss our chance to get to our hostel... it was expensive.. we were supposed to go white water rafting the next day and already had that booked... we were going to be stuck in Paris.

Well, after finally talking to everyone, they had all had the same problem.  The “reservation” rules were in very small fine print and most of the people got a refund for their Eurorail pass.... Me and Meg were just going to cancel our whole trip because not making it to Switzerland was going to ruin everything... well, we were just going to go back to Dublin. My awesome dad was calling me and my family was praying... we were so stressed. I just told Meg to check hostels, plane tickets, and the info to the hostel in Switzerland to contact while I talked to the lady.... Her name was Manoubia.  She was AMAZING!  We stood in line with her for 3hrs and she rebooked our WHOLE train trips with reservations and we only paid 37 euros for the whole thing when we were supposed to have to pay 150 euros for ONE TRAIN!

She booked us an overnight train to Nice, France and booked us a nice hotel for cheaper.  She was amazing... She also talked to our hostel in Switzerland and the white water rafting company and we got a FULL refund of it all!!!!!!!

After, some lady in line complained and said we took up too much time and we needed to apologize to everyone in line. NO WAY!  We had waited for 7hours in that station when they had all just got there... and also moved aside in those 3hrs with Manoubia while she helped 3 others so no... that wasn’t happening.. I was NOT going to feel bad.

Anyways, after that was all cleared we started racing to the next train station to get to our overnight train.. as we are running I realize my luggage is pulling smoothly... I’m like Meg, hold on.. we look down, and my wheel is fine.  No rips, not one visible tear... I’m not sure HOW it happened.. when it happened..because in line the whole time it was torn completely in two.  Well, I had not cried this whole trip not through any of the bad that had happened and this made me break down.  I could not believe the miracle God had performed RIGHT INRONT OF OUR EYES!  My wheel was fine.  It was just what we needed after all of our praying for God to guide us to the right people... or they found us.  My wheel was fixed... we stopped in the middle of the Paris international train station, with tears flowing and praised and thanked God for His miracles every step of the way.

Well, we finally get food after not eating again in 12hrs.. no water, no nothing.  We sat down and ate a foot long sub each :) well, we met this lady beside us, Nichole, from the Bahamas and she was talking to us and no one told us we had to validate our tickets... well, 15mins before the train left she told us and thank you JESUS because we would have been fined.

Well, we are again racing to our train.. seriously, we are like Olympians in the running with luggage department.. don’t mess with us.

Anyways, some guy told us our train seat was at the end of the train... well, we had 5mins.. we RAN to the end, only to be told we were at the beginning... now I was pissed... I’m like you guys know NOTHING.. I was done.. I wanted to go home.  Too much running... 

We made it on the train, and we calmed down.. it wasn’t the best ride but it was ok.after I slept an hour I woke up and Meg finally fell asleep... well, while I was trying to go back to sleep she has a spastic arm reaction and back hands me in the face..... definitely woke me up. hahaha.

We made it to our hotel right around the corner in Nice, France and its beautiful... we finally have some rest, some nice beds, a nice shower... and only 20mins from the beach.

Our poor little feet are swollen and I cannot count the bruises I am sporting... but, we are trooping on believing there IS a reason we are here and not in Switzerland and white water rafting.. there IS a reason we did not get on either trains from London to Paris, and from Paris to Switzerland.  God directed our steps to the right people and gave us a new meaning for the song “Jesus Take The Wheel”.. as in our luggage wheel and make it new. ;)
Now, we are headed for a stroll on the beach and a good nights rest tonight and its off to Venice, Italy tomorrow.

Please keep us in your prayers!  There are always new things popping up, but God has a reason for it all... lets just hope we can keep it up and positive. ;)  We will surely be laughing at this in the future.. like ... next year.

Until next time...Au revoir!

The dream...

The grass is so green in Ireland....I miss it a lot already...everything over there is just beautiful. I wish I could stay there for a long time... The views that my eyes have seen will be something I can never erase or replace. I will be sad when I have to go back to the united states. Nothing or anywhere I have ever been has compared to Ireland. The way of life here is so much more different than anything I have ever experienced. Everyone is so nice...it's not a rush scene .... No, they are kind, gentle people and they are always just easy going and loving life. As Paul our tour guides grandma always said, "better to be looking down at the grass instead of up at it".. Quite true. While I am above it I want to do my very best to enjoy it as I can. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that by the time I was 25 I would be in Europe... As a kid this was just a dream...just something I always heard my dad talking about the beautiful highlands of Scotland, and the green lands of Ireland. In my mind, they were picturesque.  Being able to do this makes me feel closer to my dad because I know how much these places mean to him. And now they mean so much more to me. I can't believe that everything I remember hearing and seeing in movies and story books has al,pat finally come true. Seeing these places make me come alive inside. They give me hope. Achieving things like this ..... Now....it's something I never would have thought that I would have done. I bet the 10yr old Bekah would be going crazy in disbelief right now if she knew what she had lying ahead for her in her life.  Never giving up and perseverance is a big key in life...never giving up on the dream or closing up the wants and desires of your heart...and even the ones that you do, God is able to open the back up with even just one simple look out over the Cliffs of Moher. Some hidden dreams who have been put to sleep for years have come back alive in my heart and I see the bigger picture in this life than the small one I only allowed myself to have because of being shut off or not enough faith in myself, God, and 'the dream'.  I'm so glad that God does not give up on us...He doesn't give up on our dreams. He just allows us to go at His pace....granting us the grace and patience until He shows himself and allows us to see what He has put in us..the dreams...the desires...the wants..the things that we want to be, to do, to see.... I know for me, just having done what I have done in less than a week has just shown me how much more there is to this life than the everyday job...the everyday routine.  God never had the same routine...neither did the desciples.  God always shook them up and they never, ever knew what to expect. That's how He is. We should never want to get stuck in the ruts of life...but climb out and keep moving on...never get stuck in the routine of nothing new...newness is what keeps us alive and moving forward and learning...appreciating everything we have and who we have...otherwise, I believe we would take everything for granted... Writing this to you now...from my bus from England, looking out the window to the landscapes of France and seeing the clouds getting darker...I still can't believe I am here.  How blessed I feel. How overwhelmed I am by Gods beauty. By His grace..His mercy...His love and His desire to be part of every journey He takes us on.  I know He is just as excited as I am that I am here.... He loves to see His children learning and having a renewal of love and respect for Him.  He loves seeing our souls refreshed and our hearts.  I hope I can get as much out of the trip as I did in Ireland.  I can't wait to see what He has...

Europe.. Dublin, Ireland..the beginning.

So... as promised, I am blogging about my trip as I can :)  It has been a crazy journey so far... and its only been 3 days :)

First off... both of our flights were very, very good.  Having not ever flown that long in one single flight, I was a bit nervous.. But, it was good.  We watched 21 JumpStreet (Sarah!!!!!)... Who wouldn’t mind a little Channing Tatum on their flight to pass the time ;)
They served us some awesome dinner followed by us both taking some sleeping meds to pass out for the flight.  Poor Meg didn’t hardly sleep but I got myself a good hour or so in.

Arriving in Dublin airport it was quite different.  Already loving all the accents except for these two immature crazy girls in line behind us...way to valley girl.  When we arrived I saw these two twin boys who had the same punk haircut walking with some big guy.  I thought to myself that they looked “Famous”. Well, as soon as we got out of customs there was a swarm of young teenage girls going nuts... yes, it was the two guys.  Apparently, they are the “Justin Beiber” of the UK.  Oh, well...

We found our bus and made it to the bus stop... I was quite out of sorts being that I was carrying so much and my luggage was a bit heavy.  However, Meg was nice and stopped as I needed... and boy was it chilly!
I was kind of disappointed because it didn’t really seem that much different than America.  I remember thinking “Where are the cottages?!?!?!” but, when we got inside our hostel and met some cool people at the front desk I felt more foreign. :)

They were kind enough to let us get a locker and put our stuff there while we waited for our room to be ready.  We crashed on the couch in the theater basement for 3hrs.  BIG MISTAKE!

We went to eat dinner at this cool little pub called “O’Sheas”... it was good!!!!  The ketchup here tastes SOOO different.  But it was all lovely.

We met up with our roomates... Fanny from Canada... Teddy and Olga from Bulgaria.  They were pretty cool.  We all went pub crawling that night.. I didn’t really enjoy it as much cuz I was a cranky pants and I don’t like beer :p but it was still a good experience!

Unfortunately, that night we could not sleep a wink.... I think we both got maybe 3hrs before we had to get up again and get to our bus for Galway and the Cliffs of Moher.  

The bus ride was FREEZING but everyone on the bus was super nice. :)  We made a coffee stop (thank God...) and then on our merry way.  We stopped on the side of a road and got a new tour guide (that was a little unsettling) but he turned out to be the coolest tour guide I have ever been with anywhere!  His name was Paul.  He made it known it twice.

We then made it to Galway and it was raining and chilly.... Fiona (love it!) was our guide.  It was pretty cool listening to all the history of Galway.  Its pretty amazing how much comes from here.  We went into the church of St. Nicholas where Christopher Columbus came to pray often before he discovered America....and also the home church of Jane Eyre.  Lots of history in there...

We walked around some more and it was just all fascinating and beautiful.  We went and ate at this pub while we were waiting to go to the Cliffs... Meg was able to get in a good hour nap... but I was thinking “Sheesh you are missing out on the ride and scenery!” but I nudged her and she did not budge.  Oh, well... at least I got to see it ;)

When we were eating Meg and our little Canadian friend had a disagreement on if you should carry around cash or not.  When Meg walked away she asked me how long were we traveling together and this is why she travels alone. hahaha.... I let Meg do all the dirty work, because I’m just too nice ;)

When we got to the cliffs of Moher it took our breath away.. Seriously, seeing what all God has created in other areas of the world is completely amazing.  It really does make you think and appreciate Him all the more.  It was the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my whole life.

Thank God we got there when we did because an hour later it was so misty and rainy you couldn’t even see 100yards in front of you.  It forced us to all go into the “hobbit holes” as I call them... the gift shops built into the hills...which is where we met Mr. Kentucky.  He was being alittle nosey butting into our discussion on whether or not I would get charged if I used my phone on WiFi or not... He chatted Meg up for like 15mins about mostly himself and his adventures... of course Meg butted in alot.  Made for each other? Yes.  While I felt like the third awkward wheel standing there, the guys dad came up and said “Well, son.. who are your friends here”... and well, thats how they got our names. But he definitely didn’t care about mine haha.  We didn’t catch his name which is why he is Mr. Kentucky because that is where he was from.

From there we went to visit more sites... we went to some 1,000 yr old tombs where we were just minding our own business when I spot a flower... Meg asked if you could eat those hahahaa... Well, I picked it.  And out of no where came this guard with some stick yelling at us.  He was pointing at me saying how “Nobody can ever enjoy this flower again” because I picked it...and it was a big fine.  And he was so mad he just walked off.... Too bad he said we should have read the signs that were NOT there.  I was so ashamed :(

Then we went to the circles that were really old made by Celtic tribes and they were off the beaten path of the tour but Paul our guide knew they had just cleared it up and we were one of the firsts to see it.

On the way back it was definitely freezing.... but good.

We took another nap on the way back, and that was also another mistake... we could NOT sleep again last night.  Oh, well.... we slept in this morning and finally woke up.  We got up and our new roomies (who we don’t know their names) had left some smelllllly chinese food in here and I think I am DYING of the smell... They should be evicted.

We went to the Jameson Distillery today and the Guiness Brewery.  It was tons of fun.  The Jameson was pretty cool... Meg volunteered to be a taste tester for the end of the tour.  She did good... pouring all 3 whiskeys into her one glass of Cranberry juice and Jameson whiskey... James (our guide) said he had never seen anyone do that and everyone got a good laugh.

After, we went and ate the best Irish cheeseburgers we’ve ever had!  We just got back and are pretty tired.... we found out that our ferry might not be running tomorrow so I hope it doesn’t keep us from moving on to London!

All this being said, I LOVE IRELAND!  Its gorgeous and I would love to stay here.  Everyone (besides the flower nazi) here are the NICEST people in the world!  And their accents are incredible. :)

Alright folks.. hope you have enjoyed a little bit of this journey we have started ;) Will try to blog the day before we leave every place while its all fresh on my mind. :)

As they say here in Ireland “Thanks a million...’ ;0)

the year of changes...

It has been a long time since I have blogged....and SOOOO much has happened since my last post.  I couldn't have even imagined up all the events that have transpired so far this year and what is yet to come..
If you had told me last year that I would move into a new apartment, have a new great job, and be planning a months worth of a trip to Europe all within the same month... I probably would have told you that you were completely insane and you were thinking of someone else.  Not me.  Not me the Bekah that is scared of changes and taking that first step.  I must say, the week after I settled into my job and new place...it all hit me.  The reality of everything that just happened was very overwhelming and I had a mini melt down.  I'm thankful for the friends and family that kept encouraging me that it would all be ok..  I believe it will.. At times I am scared that I will fail and it won't all come together.. but when I'm at my lowest, God is at His highest and lifts me up.

I am sure everyone is tired of hearing about this upcoming trip ;) seeing how I talk about it all the time.  But I am just so tickled beyond belief that this is actually happening!  I get choked up just thinking about it.  I can't believe that I will be in the most beautiful places in the world in just a few short weeks.  I cannot wait for the journey that God has ahead for me.  I definitely feel Gods hand orchestrating all of my steps...He is waiting for me in Europe.. it is going to be such a spiritual journey of renewing and refreshing of my heart and soul.  I hope it is blessed and just the best possible thing for my little heart.  I hope I can find myself again and get to the root of what I need in life right now.  I want to be this happy person, who is genuine and caring and happy and confident in who I am and what I am put on this earth to do.  I want to conquer fears and LIVE.  I don't want to merely exist, and up until this last year I feel like I have had great experiences but so scared to live out what I need to.  God has definitely shaken up my world and woke me up from this sleep of just existing.

Everything and everyone in my life up to this point have all been there for a reason.. And even though it hasn't always been easy... I can see now, looking back, all the reasons for everything that has happened.  I'm so thankful for everything that it has created me to be now..and look forward to what it will guide me to in my future.

I will be blogging my journey over seas and will try to post as much as time will allow. :)  So stay tuned!  It will be exciting :0)

Pick a card... any card!

So, I'm sitting here typing out my general thoughts... and random stuff just pops into my head about life and everything in general.  And I was just wondering about the cards I had been dealt.  My cards in life.

Why did I end up with the ones I did?  Did I truly pick them out?  God threw the cards my way and I guess I did ultimately end up choosing which ones I wanted... I mean, you never know what life is gonna throw at you... and usually its a wild card... and those, you don't really pick I guess... God does.  But he knows whats going on anyways, so I guess its ok.

We have to live with what we choose.  Be it where we live, work, how we interact with others... who we surround ourselves with and who we don't.  Chances we take and chances we lose.  We mostly choose it all.... because God gave us free will.  He is the ultimate knower of all things, so He is the only one not surprised by what we do.

Simple post today just posing the question.... When God hands you a card... or lays out a whole deck.. which one will you choose?  Will you deal with that you got?  Will you trade it in?  How will you handle the wild cards thrown at you?  We all know what happens when the game of life ends... if we know Jesus, then we WIN! We get the best prize of all.  All we have to do is just get through the game and do the best with what we've got until we get to the prize!

Quilting is for the birds...

Ever get the feeling that you are so far in to yourself that you can't get out? That you finally realize that you are an incredibly selfish, self centered person who can't get outside of themselves to help anyone else for a second?

Wondering and realizing you have become a person you had always hoped you wouldn't be...oh, the roads and paths that life takes us.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to the younger version of me... I feel like she would be much wiser and slap some sense into me now.  When life was simpler.  Before I got my first big cut in my heart.....I think that little Bekah would be so happy and giving and genuine... innocent and untainted by the cruelty of life.  I think that if I knew then what I would grow up to be like...well, I don't think I'd be too proud of me...I don't think I'd actually believe it.  I would say "who me? like that? No way!"... I figure we all must think that sometimes for sure....I'm sure all the little "self" would be slapping our adult self around!  Life would be so simple...in our little worlds work would be fun.... pretend marriage and having kids was a dream!  Then life happens and it ain't all that and a bag of chips.  But, I think that if we choose to let it be bad it will.... problem is, how do we not let it be bad and genuinely mean for it to be good?  Nobody is genuine these days...and if you are, nobody really even cares in the first place.

So much happens in life that make our genuiness disappear... 

So many things that cause us to try and sew up the pieces that split in our hearts by things of the past... too many times some things come up and the seam is torn a little... the stitching comes a little undone. Sometimes I feel like there are so many patches on my heart that its hardly recognizable... and by all of those patches its lost its originality and all of its pureness and innocence that it was when first created.  God should be the one to sew up all the rips in our hearts... but sometimes we are too quick with the needle and thread that we do such a lousy job of "healing" that we never truly heal.  We never truly forgive...we never truly let go.

I'm so bad of being too quick with my needle and thread - too many quick "i'm fine" and "its ok".... I have too many patches that I alone cannot fix... I alone cannot maintain together.  By now I feel like I have this awful ugly quilt over my heart that sometimes it slips and you can see the beauty but more often than not, its a raggedy old mess...

.....and then you're stuck.  You get so comfortable in being wrapped up in that quilt that you are stuck in yourself... not totally realizing it at first, but then after a few years... a few new experiences, life paths, people, things... well, you finally realize that you no longer can deny or escape the huge draping you have hidden behind.

Even my dreams keep me coming back... keep haunting me at night.  Too many times the depression of things try to suck me in... its so hard to keep trying to climb your way out that you just want to give in to it and just quit.  Its harder and harder to be positive and smile.... I don't want to smile just because its what everyone wants - I want to smile because i am smiling on the inside....happy.

I'm tired of this heavy quilt weighing me down..I'm not even good at quilting clearly - since I have done such a lousy job of it all... I need to burn it and be done with it.  Maybe beneath all of the old stuff, deep down there is a newness...

Your heart: a flower amongst the weeds

Lately, I have been dealing with some emotions of forgiveness...well, more like coming to the realization that I haven't forgiven some wrongs done to me in the past.  Some wrongs that date all the way back to the 2nd grade... its awful how some hurtful things stick with you throughout your life no matter how hard you try to forget them.  I don't understand how people forgive and forget.  I don't understand how freely and easily God forgives us every day... how He already forgave us long ago before we even did anything when He KNEW we were going to hurt him almost on a daily basis... He still loves us, still forgave us before our existence, and how He continues to give us grace.
I was trying to think of how the picture looks of our hearts when we don't allow forgiveness to dwell in them.  I imagine its dark and dried up and just rotten...which those thoughts made me think of shriveled leaves and dried up weeds.
Then I thought, you know... our hearts are sometimes like a flower. A flower growing amongst the weeds. When we get hurt, we try to get over it... but the weeds which are like our bitterness, hurt, and anger, they keep growing more weeds than there are flowers.  If you don't pick the weeds, they will keep growing and quench the growth and life out of the flower... despite all of the rain and sun it gets in order to grow and prosper and be its full potential of beauty and grace.
When we let it get out of control we take our issues out on others and it creeps into other parts of our life...then to outsiders all they see are weeds... soon they can't even see the flower.
I have let myself get to that point sometimes... right now especially.  There are 4 people that were in my life that have caused me more grief, pain, and anger and my unforgiveness is my weeds growing out of control. I don't know how people forgive others... especially when the wrong done to them effects their whole life and so many areas of it.  It seeps into all of your relationships and how you look/interact with other people.  And the funny thing is.... those people don't even give you a second thought right now I'm sure.... or what they've done to you, but its embedded in your heart and mind.
I need to learn how to forgive.  A wise woman (my mom) said to me today that "you know you haven't forgiven that person because any little thing that reminds you of them make you angry... just because you forgive doesn't mean its not going to hurt.. it will hurt but at least your anger won't be there anymore."

We need to daily pull the weeds out so our flower (heart) can grow.  We need to forgive so we can live our life and let others be able to walk by and actually see our beautiful colors and admire our growing flowers and not be hidden underneath all of those weeds.
You never know who needs to see your healed, growing flower... it might just be the thing that helps them pull their own weeds away from their life.
It may take me a while but I am hopeful and wanting to get to that place of compassion and forgiveness.

I've let the weeds grow to high.... but at least the pulling process has begun.