Wondering why life has a funny way of being stupid.... why do we let things from our past dictate how we act and react today. Everyone says the easy solution to fully dissolving all the negativity and feelings surrounding the situation is forgiveness. I don't quite think thats truly the case... you can say that you forgive someone but its actually a long process... sometimes it never truly sets in. I say I have forgiven certain people from my past even to date back to the 2nd grade... I have written a letter, I have professed forgiveness, and yet here I find myself still relating back to the time when I first learned and felt what it was like to be unwanted and abused. At such a young age, those things tend to stick in your head.. especially, when they are embedded into your mind on a daily basis.
So many things throughout your life tend to contribute to the feelings from that first time that just got the ball rolling; some new things/feelings are added, while others are just feeding off of each other like a germ. Its so hard... how do you control it? How do you truly forgive it and move past everything?
I don't like clinging on to the bad, and would much rather focus on the good and not let things get to me. I don't want to hide in my castle walls as my mother tenderly says... I don't want to be in my castle, in my cocoon. When does the butterfly get to make her entrance and fly free? When do I get to take a bouldouzer to my castle? When can those be replaced by flying freely and high, and having picnics under the sun out in the open?
Who's gonna know? Who's gonna care? Funny how the people that have placed every stone to build my walls probably have no idea at all that they put them there... or maybe they do and are hiding behind their own walls, too.
