Quilting is for the birds...

Ever get the feeling that you are so far in to yourself that you can't get out? That you finally realize that you are an incredibly selfish, self centered person who can't get outside of themselves to help anyone else for a second?

Wondering and realizing you have become a person you had always hoped you wouldn't be...oh, the roads and paths that life takes us.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to the younger version of me... I feel like she would be much wiser and slap some sense into me now.  When life was simpler.  Before I got my first big cut in my heart.....I think that little Bekah would be so happy and giving and genuine... innocent and untainted by the cruelty of life.  I think that if I knew then what I would grow up to be like...well, I don't think I'd be too proud of me...I don't think I'd actually believe it.  I would say "who me? like that? No way!"... I figure we all must think that sometimes for sure....I'm sure all the little "self" would be slapping our adult self around!  Life would be so simple...in our little worlds work would be fun.... pretend marriage and having kids was a dream!  Then life happens and it ain't all that and a bag of chips.  But, I think that if we choose to let it be bad it will.... problem is, how do we not let it be bad and genuinely mean for it to be good?  Nobody is genuine these days...and if you are, nobody really even cares in the first place.

So much happens in life that make our genuiness disappear... 

So many things that cause us to try and sew up the pieces that split in our hearts by things of the past... too many times some things come up and the seam is torn a little... the stitching comes a little undone. Sometimes I feel like there are so many patches on my heart that its hardly recognizable... and by all of those patches its lost its originality and all of its pureness and innocence that it was when first created.  God should be the one to sew up all the rips in our hearts... but sometimes we are too quick with the needle and thread that we do such a lousy job of "healing" that we never truly heal.  We never truly forgive...we never truly let go.

I'm so bad of being too quick with my needle and thread - too many quick "i'm fine" and "its ok".... I have too many patches that I alone cannot fix... I alone cannot maintain together.  By now I feel like I have this awful ugly quilt over my heart that sometimes it slips and you can see the beauty but more often than not, its a raggedy old mess...

.....and then you're stuck.  You get so comfortable in being wrapped up in that quilt that you are stuck in yourself... not totally realizing it at first, but then after a few years... a few new experiences, life paths, people, things... well, you finally realize that you no longer can deny or escape the huge draping you have hidden behind.

Even my dreams keep me coming back... keep haunting me at night.  Too many times the depression of things try to suck me in... its so hard to keep trying to climb your way out that you just want to give in to it and just quit.  Its harder and harder to be positive and smile.... I don't want to smile just because its what everyone wants - I want to smile because i am smiling on the inside....happy.

I'm tired of this heavy quilt weighing me down..I'm not even good at quilting clearly - since I have done such a lousy job of it all... I need to burn it and be done with it.  Maybe beneath all of the old stuff, deep down there is a newness...

Your heart: a flower amongst the weeds

Lately, I have been dealing with some emotions of forgiveness...well, more like coming to the realization that I haven't forgiven some wrongs done to me in the past.  Some wrongs that date all the way back to the 2nd grade... its awful how some hurtful things stick with you throughout your life no matter how hard you try to forget them.  I don't understand how people forgive and forget.  I don't understand how freely and easily God forgives us every day... how He already forgave us long ago before we even did anything when He KNEW we were going to hurt him almost on a daily basis... He still loves us, still forgave us before our existence, and how He continues to give us grace.
I was trying to think of how the picture looks of our hearts when we don't allow forgiveness to dwell in them.  I imagine its dark and dried up and just rotten...which those thoughts made me think of shriveled leaves and dried up weeds.
Then I thought, you know... our hearts are sometimes like a flower. A flower growing amongst the weeds. When we get hurt, we try to get over it... but the weeds which are like our bitterness, hurt, and anger, they keep growing more weeds than there are flowers.  If you don't pick the weeds, they will keep growing and quench the growth and life out of the flower... despite all of the rain and sun it gets in order to grow and prosper and be its full potential of beauty and grace.
When we let it get out of control we take our issues out on others and it creeps into other parts of our life...then to outsiders all they see are weeds... soon they can't even see the flower.
I have let myself get to that point sometimes... right now especially.  There are 4 people that were in my life that have caused me more grief, pain, and anger and my unforgiveness is my weeds growing out of control. I don't know how people forgive others... especially when the wrong done to them effects their whole life and so many areas of it.  It seeps into all of your relationships and how you look/interact with other people.  And the funny thing is.... those people don't even give you a second thought right now I'm sure.... or what they've done to you, but its embedded in your heart and mind.
I need to learn how to forgive.  A wise woman (my mom) said to me today that "you know you haven't forgiven that person because any little thing that reminds you of them make you angry... just because you forgive doesn't mean its not going to hurt.. it will hurt but at least your anger won't be there anymore."

We need to daily pull the weeds out so our flower (heart) can grow.  We need to forgive so we can live our life and let others be able to walk by and actually see our beautiful colors and admire our growing flowers and not be hidden underneath all of those weeds.
You never know who needs to see your healed, growing flower... it might just be the thing that helps them pull their own weeds away from their life.
It may take me a while but I am hopeful and wanting to get to that place of compassion and forgiveness.

I've let the weeds grow to high.... but at least the pulling process has begun.

From: Jesus. PS., I love you.

So, it has been a looong time since I have put up a blog!!!!!  But, recently on my vacation, I had quite a few thoughts pop up in my head while I was relaxing on the beach.... I always feel closest to God when I'm on the beach... I definitely felt him at certain times when I was caught up in the beauty and stillness of the beautiful ocean he created for us to enjoy.

One night, we were laying out on the chairs looking at the stars... with quite a few things on my mind, I was trying to rationalize and think through a lot of my feelings and thoughts...about life, love, and everything that weighs on a persons heart/mind.  I sometimes wonder how often all the little things you do that you feel don't matter, like whats the point of going the extra mile for someone?  Or whats the point in working all the time?  Nobody initially really cares how hard you work at something.. or how hard you strive to please your boss or your clients... or family and partner... it goes unnoticed and unrecognized.
At that moment of my negativeness, along came a guy that worked at our Resort and he was putting the chairs back in place and he was raking the sand... he was making it nice and smooth for everyone for the next day.  And instantly I felt God say to me "No job goes unnoticed by Me."  It was like, even someone who is raking SAND on a beach... so humbly and at night that NO ONE would see... he was still doing it - and God saw it.  He knew... he honors that.  Its a job most people would not even consider... or know of.  I had personally never thought that anyone raked sand... but, apparently so.  Doesn't matter if I did or not, God did.  It was such a humbling thought....it added to my tears that were already streaming down my face.
It made me think that no matter what job you do - whether its at your work, or if its loving your sister when its tough... or being selfless with your significant other - whatever it is that you are doing, God see's it... and nothing goes without Him noticing.  We should all try to be aware of everything we do... God knows it all.
With that being said... I had another thought...  I recently watched the movie "PS. I love you".  Man, it gets me EVERYtime... I cry my eyes out.  But on the same night I had the thought of "nothing goes unnoticed" (almost directly after)...... Just like "Gerry" takes care of Holly, so does God take care of us.  Every setback we have, every thought we have that we aren't good enough... he always sends a msg somehow just like He did to me about how He honors everything, those msg's are his "PS. I love you"... I love you in spite of what you do or don't do... I love you even when you aren't loving me back in action or in word.  I love you even when you are at your worst, at your best, and at your neutral times.  Everything that happens that gets us through things, tough times.. situations... times when we feel alone or helpless .... negative or sad... he sends his letters in different ways - through people, through miracles, through an uplifting situation - even through a guy raking sand.  Of all things, through a guy raking sand!!!!!  I felt His love through that...

There are so many things that humble you and make you realize how important everything and everyone is.  I am trying to think of different ways I can be a better Me.  I want to step out of my comfort box and LIVE.  I want to not be who I am and who I have been.  I've let fear, anger, and selfishness control my attitude and my relationships with people and I can't... should no longer live that way.  God is showing me how different I can be... how much better things can be.  We all have a role to play in life, we all have people we need to love, not judge... we all have jobs to do that God has put us there for a reason - when we least expect it, we might be someones message to them from God.  You just never know.

So, live... live in love and be humble.  Never take for granted what might be God sending msg's to you... and never miss his PS. I love you.

Forgiveness ain't as easy as all that y'all

Wondering why life has a funny way of being stupid.... why do we let things from our past dictate how we act and react today.  Everyone says the easy solution to fully dissolving all the negativity and feelings surrounding the situation is forgiveness.  I don't quite think thats truly the case... you can say that you forgive someone but its actually a long process... sometimes it never truly sets in.  I say I have forgiven certain people from my past even to date back to the 2nd grade... I have written a letter, I have professed forgiveness, and yet here I find myself still relating back to the time when I first learned and felt what it was like to be unwanted and abused.  At such a young age, those things tend to stick in your head.. especially, when they are embedded into your mind on a daily basis.
So many things throughout your life tend to contribute to the feelings from that first time that just got the ball rolling; some new things/feelings are added, while others are just feeding off of each other like a germ. Its so hard... how do you control it?  How do you truly forgive it and move past everything?
I don't like clinging on to the bad, and would much rather focus on the good and not let things get to me.  I don't want to hide in my castle walls as my mother tenderly says... I don't want to be in my castle, in my cocoon.  When does the butterfly get to make her entrance and fly free?  When do I get to take a bouldouzer to my castle?  When can those be replaced by flying freely and high, and having picnics under the sun out in the open?

Who's gonna know? Who's gonna care?  Funny how the people that have placed every stone to build my walls probably have no idea at all that they put them there... or maybe they do and are hiding behind their own walls, too.

Diamonds amongst the dirt and rocks

Oh, 2am..... i'm awake.. that never happens typically.  I suppose its been one of them days and i'm wide awake!!  Just thinkin about life and all thats going on... not to mention I finally got some laundry going!!! Its way looong over due :)
I should be trying to sleep, but too much is running thru this lil brain of mine.

Just thinking about all the highs and lows of life.... wondering why it is that so many thing can go right, and then one bad thing that happens and it just crumbles everything else.
On the flip side, several bad things can happen and then one good thing happens and it eases the pain of all the other things that happened.
More often than not though, all the bad tends to be focused on a whole lot more... all the negativity and doubts seem to cloud your mind.  Even if your laughing and participating in other things, in the back of your mind you are still thinking about that one (or more) thing that is holding you back.
I don't like second guessing myself... I don't like having doubts about my life, my choices, or anything.  Its so hard to remain strong and firm in what you think you believe and know to be true.
I don't like being scared about the future... I don't want to be thinking about how life is now, and wondering if it will change.  Because change is inevitable.  It scares me to think about it.
I'm scared to see how our world is changing.  All the crazy things going on... like bullying, drugs, Charlie Sheen losing his mind.. and tonight on the news, youtube videos of girls fighting is all the rage.  Its just not how God created, nor intended the world to be.  Its changing.  Every second.  Most of it isn't even good.
It scares and disgusts me how we are so far from God and how we are so far from what he created and wanted us to be.
No one in this life is hardly ever satisfied... they are not happy.  They act out in ways that are completely irrational and sometimes psychotic.
Its sad to me that even most of the people who claim to be christians are typically the worst kind!  I'm not far from this description... I have failed in so many ways to show how God is.. how a christian should be.  I'm not the best example, and its sad to me that most people (because of my example and the examples of others) do not see what the difference is in living the life of Christ than living your typical human every day life.
That is something that needs to change... that would be a good change.  Some sacrifices would have to be made but we should totally put forth that effort to be the best we can be no matter what.  God died on the cross to save us, to forgive us of our sins, and to take on our sins and die.  And how do we, the world, the human race repay him?  By living immorally, killing other people... abusing drugs..fighting..all the hatred, jealousy, and selfishness. :( its all so sad and disturbing.
Crazy all the things that go through my mind after one bad day!!!!!!!!  So glad its over :)

Ughhh....on a side note.. and to end on a good note. :)  I have an amazing family and boyfriend who keep me totally grounded and bring so much joy to my life.  I know my family is always going to be there through thick and thin, through all the good and bad times... they make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me mad, and make me go all Lucy on them... they save me and they love me!!  I'm so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing family who lead such awesome lives and good examples for how we should live.  My parents are the most amazing role models and definitely help try to keep me on track and guide me in life and aspire to be like them when i'm older....
My sisters make me laugh and probably keep me more grounded than anyone haha by letting me know I'm definitely not better than the next person. :)  I'm so grateful for the relationships that we share and that they are two young women I am proud of.
My Ian too, is always there for me and my best friend!!!!  I've never known a love this way before and it truly gives me hope that there are people out there that you can trust..you can fully be who you are and still be loved and accepted.  Its crazy to think about all the wonderful qualities Ian has and how amazing our connection and relationship is.. I didn't think i'd be this lucky!!!
and I cannot leave out my MAX!  He is the most precious thing to ever happen to me and even though he is a puppy he is the most special little guy and God definitely tugged at my heart to go just "check out" the puppies at the pet store in Honduras.  Doggies are so not me, but poor Max won me over.  He makes me smile when no one else can, and just his little snuggles and waggy little tail when he see's me just makes me heart jerk and I love him so much!

It feels so good to stop and reflect on those blessings after such a bad day!!!!!! :)  I never thought I'd be so lucky to have all the people in my life stated above.. I love you all so much!  Thank you for making this crazy life a little less scary, and a little bit easier to get through.  Thank you for always being there for me and loving me, supporting me, and giving me hope!
So glad to have these little diamonds in my life hidden amongst the dirt and rocks.

And now, between watching tv and doing laundry and blogging, its 3:30am and TIME FOR SLEEP! :) Hopefully, anyways! :)

If Jesus could blog...

So.... at my bible study the other night, one of the girls (alicia!) made an interesting comment... she said "if Jesus could blog, I wonder what he would blog about?".  Wow. I wonder myself, too..... The more I read the bible and the more I think about my everyday life.... I often think about how much is left out of the Bible about my Jesus that I would so love to know.  So, if God could blog... what would it be?  Would it be something to do with hobbies?  Would he talk about the carpentry he was doing?  Would he talk about all the different variety of people that he met every single day?  Would he talk about his family or his many travels?  The Bible is a guide for us all.. but I wish it had more in it of the story and life of Jesus.. the smaller stuff.. the more everyday simple stuff.  I wish that he could blog to me every day <3 i wish I could have been a part of his everyday when he was walking the earth.  It makes me happy to know that Jesus was a normal person... he had normal everyday feelings and actions and was just like me; only an incredibly better version of me! ha :) he was Jesus after all....so that lead me to my next observation..........................

the other interesting thought that popped into my head also during bible study.  As I read my bible, and live my everyday life.. i'm not living up to the standards and expectations I have set for myself. So, I beg to ask the question: "how can I walk around in knowledge and not in action?"  How can I live the life I lead and not be my truest self?  If the Bekah at 10yrs old could see me now... what would she think?  Would I be proud of who I have become?  Or would I be ashamed?  I was watching a video of when I was the tender age of 15.  I looked so happy and so innocent.... that girl would never have guessed about the life that I would live between then and now.  So much heart ache, so much happiness, so much of the unknown.... most all of which I never would have guessed would have happened to me and in this world.
I need to really step in my life and put into practice what I read... put into practice my convictions and what I know if true.
I also know that when I put my mind to something I want, I get it... I do it.  I just keep thinking about how I want to be proud of who I am in 10yrs from now.  I want to be a healthier, smarter, more successful, more happier and content person in life and be able to know that I did everything I could to live up to my expectations and the commands that Jesus has set out for us.
I use to be so motivated to be the best and do the best... especially in being healthy.  I am the only person who is stopping me from doing what I want to do.. from reaching my goals and being the best of me I can be.

So, here's to not letting me stop me. :) and make a daily effort to get to know my Jesus more, and by doing that, that also means being a better me... healthier, happier, wiser, and more like my Father. Don't let you hold yourself back from following your dreams: make the YOU in 10yrs very proud of the YOU that you are right now.

Mumbo Jumbo Ramble

Its been a while since I have blogged... not much has happened.  I've had a few more revelations in life but nothing truly new and exciting going on in my life.  Just the same ole routine... work, work, work and maybe throw in a few good days with my boyfriend and family.. but not a whole lot of that going on either.  Everything has been thrown up in the air and I can't seem to catch all the important things before they fall and shatter on the ground.

I wish I could go on an extended vacation with no responsibilities and no obligations... just doing whatever I wanted to do and not feeling like I am at the mercy of others.  But, such is life in this crazy ole world.

I often find myself wondering if God really ever took some down time... did God ever say 'no' to someone?   Did he truly just constantly had himself on the go and didn't need vacations?  I mean, I know he is God of all but sometimes, everyone just needs to take a step back....I think God took his time to settle and was just in constant prayer... like that was his vacation...praying to his Father.  Is that wrong of me that my vacation is not my prayer time?  That when I do pray, my quiet time isn't necessarily something that I consider 'time away' from it all?  Should quiet times be like that?  Most of my praying time includes just asking for forgiveness and wishing that life wasn't so darn hard!
It kinda makes one feel selfish... after a while, God has to get tired of hearing the same ole thing... He just has to.  I get tired of hearing what I have to say after a while. One thing I wish I could actually say that I never tire of cuz I never say it: I just wish I could learn the phrase 'no' and stick to it.  I'm scared that I'm going to live my life doing things I do not want to be doing, and going places and to please people and not let anyone down.  In the end, I always end up letting myself down... which, I think by doing all of this, I end up causing my quiet times with God to be fewer and when I have them I am mostly complaining about other people when its actually my lack of time organizing and learning that two letter word "no"!  Not being able to say 'no' takes up so much free time that I could be spending with God or taking a walk or just having time for myself... working on me and not worrying about other people all of the time.
I'd like to think the only reason God made the tropics was because He planned them for us to vacation there!!!!  He knew we would need somewhere beautiful to go relax when we were finally about to get that down time.... He is the only one that could truly make a place so beautiful.... why should I deny my Jesus of visiting his masterpiece?!?!?!

Why the heck am I ramblin about this......I'm thinking its time to say NO and stop trying to please everyone and just go have a relaxing time with God... and my family who is Gods other gift to me, and enjoy what He has made for me and enjoy the precious quiet time for that much needed extra time away for myself. BAH!

Blessings in disguise

So, lately life has been incredibly crazy....no time to sit and relax!!!!  Working so much and having the holidays has caused me to stay sick and tired... no fun.  I can't wait until I can actually not work too much and can enjoy all the little things in life.

However, on a side note.....besides working so much, my life has been the best and happiest I have ever been in my entire life.. I'm so head over heels for this boy and I have never felt like this before and I feel so incredibly blessed to have met someone who spoils and loves me so much.  You go through life hoping and wishing for that Cinderella fairy tale, and you search for it so hard... you long for it.  I find it so funny that it was right infront of me this whole last year and I never took the time to really open my eyes and realize that my Prince Charming was right infront of me.. my best friend. :)
I am so excited to have been blessed with someone so amazing and to get along with so well... my little magnet i'm connected to so much!  I have never been able to be myself and silly and laugh and be so honest with someone before and its so refreshing... i loooove it. :)

So, with all that being said.. it makes me just realize how incredibly crazy it is that through all our journeys in life, God is there the whole time.... he's molding and preparing a way for us in life that we don't even see - we can't see.  Its like God can just sit back and see how we think we are left all alone and that there won't be anyone to love us unconditionally besides Himself, and He knows the whole time that he has this surprise and gift waiting for us at the end of heartache.
He blesses us in disguise and while we aren't even looking for the blessings God is preparing them and sending them our way anyways... even when we give up on Him, He doesn't give up on us.  Even when we think that life can't get any better, He knows it can and it will.  Even when we think that there isn't anyone who will love us and get us, He knows there is.
I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on us, and He knows our hearts and our needs inside out and He blesses us with what HE thinks is best instead of what we think is best.. because His best for us is far better than anything we ever imagine for ourselves.

I'm so thankful for a God who loves us unconditionally, and is always there for us in every situation and He cares.. always cares.  There is nothing that we can do that will separate us from the love of God.  We are so undeserving of anything He ever gives us and also what He doesn't give us...

So, enjoy your life.. know that even if you are unaware of the many blessings that are coming your way, just know that God is making a way for them and creating them specifically for you - be ready, be willing, be patient, and be open.  Because I promise when you least expect it, the best blessings in life will come right up to you... and change your world.