Wondering and realizing you have become a person you had always hoped you wouldn't be...oh, the roads and paths that life takes us.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to the younger version of me... I feel like she would be much wiser and slap some sense into me now. When life was simpler. Before I got my first big cut in my heart.....I think that little Bekah would be so happy and giving and genuine... innocent and untainted by the cruelty of life. I think that if I knew then what I would grow up to be like...well, I don't think I'd be too proud of me...I don't think I'd actually believe it. I would say "who me? like that? No way!"... I figure we all must think that sometimes for sure....I'm sure all the little "self" would be slapping our adult self around! Life would be so simple...in our little worlds work would be fun.... pretend marriage and having kids was a dream! Then life happens and it ain't all that and a bag of chips. But, I think that if we choose to let it be bad it will.... problem is, how do we not let it be bad and genuinely mean for it to be good? Nobody is genuine these days...and if you are, nobody really even cares in the first place.
So much happens in life that make our genuiness disappear...
So many things that cause us to try and sew up the pieces that split in our hearts by things of the past... too many times some things come up and the seam is torn a little... the stitching comes a little undone. Sometimes I feel like there are so many patches on my heart that its hardly recognizable... and by all of those patches its lost its originality and all of its pureness and innocence that it was when first created. God should be the one to sew up all the rips in our hearts... but sometimes we are too quick with the needle and thread that we do such a lousy job of "healing" that we never truly heal. We never truly forgive...we never truly let go.
I'm so bad of being too quick with my needle and thread - too many quick "i'm fine" and "its ok".... I have too many patches that I alone cannot fix... I alone cannot maintain together. By now I feel like I have this awful ugly quilt over my heart that sometimes it slips and you can see the beauty but more often than not, its a raggedy old mess...
.....and then you're stuck. You get so comfortable in being wrapped up in that quilt that you are stuck in yourself... not totally realizing it at first, but then after a few years... a few new experiences, life paths, people, things... well, you finally realize that you no longer can deny or escape the huge draping you have hidden behind.
Even my dreams keep me coming back... keep haunting me at night. Too many times the depression of things try to suck me in... its so hard to keep trying to climb your way out that you just want to give in to it and just quit. Its harder and harder to be positive and smile.... I don't want to smile just because its what everyone wants - I want to smile because i am smiling on the inside....happy.
I'm tired of this heavy quilt weighing me down..I'm not even good at quilting clearly - since I have done such a lousy job of it all... I need to burn it and be done with it. Maybe beneath all of the old stuff, deep down there is a newness...
